First, it is what she knows, and, second, she is still trying to find the approval from a significant male who has eluded her all her life. You say that sometimes men need love and sometimes strength, I have realized that my husband needs strength. I don’t think scripture tells us to remain in a dangerous situation, nor to remain with a spouse who engages in infidelity. Our peace is linked directly to what we think. It is there that she will prove the depth of her wisdom or the lack thereof. A backstage snapshot of relational advice from this celebrity couple. Proverbs 16:3 “Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.” Don’t be a Victim. As Ron began to learn that no matter what Jenny did, he could still love her, the first thing that actually changed was his attitude toward her. Not proceeding with wisdom can be dangerous. If your spouse is responding negatively to some circumstances, … She fails to see that her negative reactions to his negative behavior are just as unbiblical and selfish in nature as his actions. Not being a victim goes hand in hand with everything mentioned before. But, in a difficult marriage, acting according to these very same feelings will only serve to drive away any hope of success. The first was to help Jenny realize the reasons behind her behavior and how to make healthy changes. You must ask, "How can I love my mate more consistently? Wouldn’t want that now! Living with a negative spouse can take its toll on you and begin to bring you down as well. All of this is to say that there is more to why we choose to marry someone than we may think. (WLOS) — How long does it take to test negative after testing positive for COVID-19? Join in the conversation on Facebook or Twitter. I realize the wife is not always the victim but by and large she is. We have noticed this switch of role issues throughout our marriage. Stop, that’s the only one that’s…stop trying to get them to be positive. I'll ask. We have much more power and authority than we realize sometimes. But choosing good things to think about can seem especially difficult when your spouse is negative. And let me stress again, I said commit to loving over the "long haul." “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”. In the same way, you don’t stay positive if you only keep that positivity within you. Anyone in a dysfunctional marriage must respond firmly sometimes and not take abuse. Proverbs 14:1 says: It takes self control (a fruit of the spirit) to manage one’s own attitude and behavior in a Godly, centered way when a spouse is acting out. Blessings and peace. However, having fun, being open to communication, and enjoying each other are some of the keys to a healthy and happy marriage. No. Of course that would take all the power from the men. TITLE: STAYING POSITIVE IN A NEGATIVE WORLD INTRODUCTION. The Holy Spirit can help us get control of our own triggers. I don’t want to endure more.Then I think outside my selfish world and I know I am blessed in so many ways and I feel ashamed for acting ungrateful. We are plugged into this world like no group of Christians has ever been—reading, listening, and watching the same ungodliness as the world and then wondering why we get the same results. I want us to come out on the other side of this together, but feel he is ready to give up. The tricky aspect of applying this verse is that most women do not consciously set out to destroy their homes and act in a foolish manner. The children would become ill, her husband would have an affair, their money would run out, and she knew she wasn't really attractive. Wonderful thoughts by Dr. Force and commenters. Know That You Can Leave. Tenor. See yourself throwing the net of positive loving energy over your mate and yourself, so that it will allow him/her to release the negativity in a net of safety and acceptance. Sometimes the wife has to be the one to say them. It is a learning process. Ron's brief attempts at encouragement were always met with an argument. —T.G. They shouldn't be OK with seeing their bad moods and worse attitude affecting you. He was not fearful or anxious, but He did express grief and sadness without blame. Let’s go over them. Serving others will bring love, joy and peace into your life and reward you with a positive view of your role in God’s Church. Elevate the best storytellers & sages of the global church. We don’t communicate, no intimacy at all. Absolutely not. Expecting the worst to occur was how she protected herself. It is common for someone to whom I've given this counsel to come storming into my office and declare that loving his mate unconditionally "did not work." Way to go! The health benefits alone are a great motivation to change. Caption: WLOS. Are there any guarantees that by doing some of the things Ron and Jenny did your mate will change? And how can I communicate to my spouse my concern for his well-being, the health of the marriage, and how his behavior is affecting me?". Almost every idea or suggestion gets countered by the "bad" that could possibly occur. It does take more energy to be positive when your spouse is always complaining or won’t take positive action. Even though that’s the way my husband behaves himself, someone has to take “the higher road”. This is evident in I Thessalonians 5:15 as Paul says: “See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.”. Seek to Understand: Life is difficult. The thoughts we think can be positive, negative, false or true. I’m in this vicious cycle of anger and depression and resentment because my husband changed so much after we got married, I often think to myself that this is not what I signed up for. My husband and I have been married 22 years. Sign Up For Our Newsletter Many types of negative spouses abound, including the constant critic, the authority, the victim, the perfectionist, and the pessimist—none of which are easier than the others to deal with. Latetly I am so tired of being loving and courteous, I’m young yet I feel tired and rundown. He needed to demonstrate daily the promise of Christ to us—that he would never forsake her. Appearances of Staying Positive shunning Abstinence Cohabitation Evil Evil Fleeing Appearance Of Evil Being a Model. After years of trying with love, I realized he needs strength after reading your article. Secretly give them a spinal flush, stay free of their energy, and drop positive energy bombs into their thought fields. 65 Positive Ways To Deal With Negative People The above list is just a bare bones summary. This means that, instead of focusing on the occasional disappointment, I can be grateful for the positive acts of love: every spouse stumbles, but not every spouse acts so kindly. Therapy for them had two challenges. Jenny would best be described as a pessimist. How have my patterns of interaction allowed the behavior of my mate to continue? You don’t become happy by being selfish. Feel, feel, feel ugh that’s whats exhausting. "And she is still the same!" And as his assurance that God loved him no matter what grew, Ron began to grow in his trust that change—of both he and Jenny—was up to God and not him. Remember, the only change you can control is what you do. You are being trained to teach others God’s way of life. I think I’ll stick to support groups, my bible and a discerning of interpretation by the Spirit. Two, recognize and trust your positivity. Stay home for 14 days after your last contact with a person who has COVID-19. But as the marital therapy began, it did not take long to understand one of her husband's frustrations—Jenny was negative about almost everything, especially about everything her husband, Ron, did. Your spouse will have a hard time accepting that he … And to provide hope, I can honestly say that everybody I've ever encountered who committed to loving their negative mate over the long haul without expectation of return, has received a positive return—even if that return was only a peace within themselves that comes from loving our mates as God intended. Rest assured, becoming a negative wife will yield few positive results. That second part cannot be overlooked. When these two do not agree, many of these same women are tempted to try to bring about change or defend their cause by picking up what I call the sword of negativity. Thanking people in public also helps you maintain a positive attitude and can help others feel positive as well. A foolish woman may be right in her assessment of her husband’s faults and failures, but she is often unwise in how she responds to them. I believe, even though Jesus walked the earth as a male, He is our example and the One to keep our eyes on. They were even able to form a marital pact in which they agreed to help each other lovingly in their attempts to change. You are anointed to do this. Combined with the cognitive adjustments she made by connecting past experiences with her present outlook, Jenny began to see life—albeit slowly at first —from a more positive perspective. From gender to race to politics to class, here’s what it takes to lead across differences. Reasons for Jenny's pessimism were easy to discover. People love being around positive people, so to help you be more positive, here are the top 13 Bible verses about being positive that are found in Scripture. 13 When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” It is not uncommon for a negative, fault-finding spouse to avoid changing at the beginning of therapy, primarily because they don't want to. The scriptures indicate that we are just as responsible for how we react to the negative behavior of others as they are for instigating problems in the first place. Women sometimes find lousy ways to promote change or defend themselves in a marriage. But your spouse can be basically a person of good will, and still be negative. And that is what your negative mate needs too. How can I learn more about that? He was not impatient or critical, though He did express anger to pharisees at one point, but for a much greater cause than personal disredpect. The apostle Paul said, “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. In Malachi 2:16, God outright says, “I hate divorce.” It would seem that this would automatically preclude any thoughts of divorce, no matter what your spouse’s offense. I try to support him and his grief, but I feel alone in mine. It may not be the answer you want, but here it is: You do what you can to make the marriage better and trust God for the rest. Nor, do many set out to be a negative wife. I need to hear about this idea where sometimes my husband needs me to be strong. Yet again the victim is blamed for the dysfunction. In those cases, it’s important to take action! Ron's task was not to argue with her or name-call; rather, it was to point out lovingly how many of her negative predictions of the past have not come true and carefully encourage her to give new ideas a chance. "For at least three days," he'll answer. A simple look, tone of voice, or just their demeanor can throw you into a negative spiral, leaving both of you in a huff. If you want to discover the secrets to dealing with any negative person then you need, "65 Positive Ways To Deal With Negative People".It's a much more detailed and comprehensive guide on how to deal with all the negative people you come across throughout your day. From a very early age, we learn to act or not act a certain way because a behavior benefits us. Can you recall them? TEXT: PHILIPPIANS 4:6-9 PRAYER. However, there are a lot of Bible verses that talk about positive thinking or can serve to lift us up. We could also have a long discussion as to why a person would marry someone who continually shows their disapproval, and the reasons are similar. To Jenny, this was life. Nor is it helpful for women who may be cptsd. A woman’s response to a dysfunctional man or marriage is usually the dividing line between a wise and a foolish woman. Why Do People Become Negative? Being a servant to others is the ultimate means to use your abilities. Sometimes hard things have to be said. A baby cries and gets fed; a child brings home a good report card and gets praised; an adult works hard and gets promoted and a raise; and a person learns to see things from a negative vantage point because that is what their family did, it brought them attention, or it is where they find confidence or validate their lack of confidence. Sign Up For Our Weekly Newsletter What I’m looking for is encouragement and advice, I know I should keep being strong even if my heart isn’t in it until things improve and they have, I start feeling better and hopeful so I revert to my loving giving self and things go back to being disrespected and looked down on, so I assume I have to show strength but the way I seem to need to show strength is not my strength. So, five steps, they’re easy to do. All of these changes come about by patience, faith, and love. 50 pages. I barely survived a relationship with a narcopath and am now enduring cptsd and I STILL found this SHORT excerpt a good reminder of being MINDFUL of my “feelings” vs my behavior which can be applicable with any person friend, family, or spouse. What You Say To Others About Your Spouse. To be honest, and I say this as supportively as possible, some women are downright foolish in how they choose to fight for their marriage. Don’t do that. Do you want me to recommend that ladies respond with anger and frustration toward their husbands? From the looks of things, Jenny* was the proverbial have-it-all-together woman. And the answer is yes. I am not sure what you want the article to say. It’s perfect for this situation. Copyright © 2000 by the author or Christianity Today/Marriage Partnership magazine. Does that mean we should put up with any type of abusive behavior from a negative mate? I wonder if others do, too? For men, romance starts in the eyes and then has a way of moving to the rest of the body. Don’t do that. Keeping a positive outlook on life brings many benefits—both to your own experience and to your marriage. 4 Ways To Stay Positive When Your Spouse Is Negative – by Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley. The problem after awhile, is that I feel like I will drown if I stay on that bridge. In this case, Jenny did begin to change. It’s def not easy, but staying in His word helps me when I need to show grace. I depend on God in each situation to help me with my words and attitudes. It summarizes all the information in this long, comprehensive guide in a handy, checklist-type PDF. Still, if you are in a situation where you have realized that the recurrent, abject criticism that exists in your marriage needs to change in order for you and your mate to experience the kind of marriage that God intends for you to have, then it is more important to discuss what you can do from here. After the first week, we have basically been living as roommates. So much cannot be expressed in a comment. CT's weekly newsletter to help women grow their marriage and family relationships through biblical principles. Godly friends and mentors! Your email address will not be published. It can be a challenge at times and no relationship or marriage is perfect. But your spouse can be basically a person of good will and still be negative. Is the book written the same way? It is understood as to why some women feel hurt, betrayed, and devalued. Again, this includes wisdom about when it is Godly to step away as well. For example, it is common for a woman who had a critical father to marry a man who will continue to be critical of her. When you speak negatively of your spouse to others, you do a number of things. Be a source of positivity in your family, school, workplace, and community. Number three. Oops! Dr. Tim A. Gardner is author of Sacred Sex (WaterBrook) and Director of The Marriage Education and Policy Center at the Indiana Family Institute (an affiliate of Focus on the Family). In our Christian faith, we can do an awful lot of talking about sad or depressing things like sin and pain. It is a vicious cycle. CT's weekly newsletter highlighting the voices of women writers. However, if you spiral into negative thinking and negative actions, then you can only expect that negative thinking will continue. Let go of judging or thinking that you know better. But complaining about your spouse’s negativity may now qualify you as negative. If the truth be told, very few women leave the wedding altar with a motive to make decisions that are detrimental to their marriage. Watch for fever (100.4 F), cough, shortness of breath, or other symptoms of COVID-19; If possible, stay away from others, especially people who are at … For me, even though it’s not easy, I find the answer is learning to walk in my own spiritual authority in prayer. The Bible reminds us that “It is MORE blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35).That’s just how the spiritual laws work! I must let you know that in all my life and all the advice and articles I have read I have never seen anyone so on point on both sides. There will be times when negative thoughts can be based on truth and need to be addressed with your spouse. Write these down. From a very early age, we learn to act or not act a certain way because a behavior benefits us. ILLUSTRATION: ARE YOU UNDER OR ABOVE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES v Make no mistake about it, you and I live in a NEGATIVE world and the circumstances we encounter lead to being either positive or negative. When we think that we know better and try … Most women do not marry the man they have as much as the man they want or expect him to be. I’ve had to stop trying to “explain” to my hubby, bc men are wired differently. Read more articles that highlight writing by Christian women at ChristianityToday.com/Women. The way to overcome the long journey of cptsd is remaining mindful of feelings and perception vs reality and how that influences our behavior…often projected negatively. And if changes do not occur, we can still love. Humility, prayer, wise counsel, and tact are great assets in successfully handling a negative person. I notice when I decide to not let my circumstances control my identity, I can live my life based on the confidence of knowing who I am in Christ- because unlike my circumstances- He is constant-MY constant. With that in mind, would this book be helpful for us? Surround yourself with good Christian/ It is understood as to why some women feel hurt, betrayed, and devalued. I’m reading it now (and I am NOT a reader) and I have cried knowing that aome of these passages were exactly what I need at this very moment. How about telling women that the answer is not to submit more and their husband will stop. Jenny needed patience, prayer, and love. Rest assured, becoming a negative wife will yield few positive results. This article was spot-on but somewhat difficult to read because it was focused on the issue being a woman’s. You are very right, reacting cold, angry and distant hasn’t brought different results. It is the way they feel most secure in life. Everyone has bad days, but it's awful when your spouse's negative energy drags you down all the time. I didn't realize how deeply marriage would change my other relationships. Christianity Today strengthens the church by richly communicating the breadth of the true, good, and beautiful gospel. With the “Negative Wife Action Checklist,” you’ll be sure you’re following the right steps and avoiding all the dangerous mistakes along the way. As a child, she had been molested by a family member, the pet dog in whom she had found security ran away, and, when she was a teenager, her father had several affairs and left the family to live with a woman 15 years younger than he. According to a study by the Mayo Clinic, people who see life from a more negative, pessimistic viewpoint, do not live as long as their more optimistic counterparts. Yes God will help me. In short, spouses who are always finding fault with their mates do so out of what it gets them—good or bad. Jenny expected that sooner or later, all aspects of her life would turn sour. For years, Jenny had refused to change. He keeps pushing me into that role. The thing is it is not natural for me to be that way, anything I do that resembles strength is really anger, thankfully God has given me the wisdom to be courteous even in my anger, however, I strongly dislike myself when I’m angry and it saddens me. That being the case, the other spouse is often left wondering, "Is there anything I can do that can encourage them, help me, and ultimately improve our marriage?" Even at an early age, women start to get an idea of what they want their man, their marriage, and, consequently, their life to be. You need to SHARE it. You mention specificately people in a dysfuntional marriage. I really really really need personal counseling in this can someone email me? Sometimes we just need that little boost, especially when we're traversing through times of … Any proposal to better their marriage was instantly met with a dozen reasons why it wouldn't work. She even had a caring husband, two healthy children, and was very "needed" at her church. For women, things are a little different as romance starts in the mind, and, after that, she can make her eyes work from there. I need help with a lot of things. And the answer is yes. The second was to help Ron live with her in an understanding and yet maritally beneficial way. Jesus had boundaries, yet His words always seemed patient, wise and reflected no lack of respect for others or Himself. Overall, keep in mind the advice of Dr. Gottman: For every negative create five positives. Additionally, a change of attitude can certainly improve the health of your marriage as well as make it a more enjoyable experience for both. Sorry, but it takes a little longer than that—like months, even years, not days. This is a useful article in dealing with emotions, but certainly it should be communicated that no one is obligated to remain in marriages where love and respect are not mutual. I tried the quiet, submissive role when my husband was treating me badly. All this article does is heap more shame and blame on victims Then the church would have to start teaching equality in marriage. But complaining about your spouse’s negativity may now qualify you as negative. Ron knew he loved her, and his new patience showed it. As much as the negativity from him hurts, I go right back to the role of the submissive wife and let it be water under the bridge. The only guarantee is that God loves you both despite your shortcomings. Not until I told him I would not continue to live that way did he begin to soften and try harder to be kinder. Something else, it is as if you can see the hearts of both parties. Yes… critical, blaming behavior can come from either side. That being the case, the other spouse is often left wondering, "Is there anything I can do that can encourage them, help me, and ultimately improve our marriage?" Variety Of Form Sanctification, Means And Results Sin, Avoidance Of Pornography Avoiding Sin Temptation, Resisting Avoiding Evil evil, believers' responses to Conduct, Proper. Sharing a home with someone who has COVID-19 raises your risk of catching the virus. But, I have found that where women err is not how they cause dysfunction as much as how they react to it. Hope this helps! Great job! The Bible says in Isaiah 26:3 that the Lord will “keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed” upon Him because he trusts in Him. It does take more energy to be positive when your spouse is always complaining or won’t take positive action. Try these "best practice" tips. Calmly talking down screaming children not only provides a positive attitude for yourself, it also teaches your children how to respond to negative situations. The first step that we walk ladies through is rather simple: lay down your swords of anger, resentment, coldness, and hostility and start using Biblical weaponry. Fear can come in variations such as shame (fear of a perception), or inadequacy (fear of not being good enough). No one should sacrifice themselves on the altar of marriage. We know in our hearts that they are good men or we wouldn’t have married them in the first place! Hello, thank you for this and the emails, they’re great, I’m buying the book soon. And if you find yourself in that situation, you should seek competent help. A year ago we lost our 16 year old daughter to a tragic car accident. Above all, Ron needed to reassure her constantly of his love and commitment to her. This is obviously intended for normal marriages and not those that have dealt with narcopath abuse. We report on news and give our opinion on topics such as church, family, sexuality, discipleship, pop culture, and more! I am so tempted to be angry and act agry because I reason he doesn’t deserve my kindness. The future is bleak. How about telling women to be strong and stand up for themselves. If this sounds remotely familiar to you, there are ways to stay positive so you don’t get sucked into your partner’s spiral of negativity. What helped Jenny start her battle against her pessimism was when she began to understand that her view of almost everything had been skewed by the events of her life. "How long did you try it?" Lina, You CAN Stay Positive Even When Your Partner Isn’t 1) Take responsibility Can endure, but STAYING in his word helps me when I need do... That talk about positive thinking or can serve to lift us up married 22 years my Bible and foolish! Very `` needed '' at her church a person of good will and... Could possibly occur better their marriage and family relationships through biblical principles relational advice this! 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